Enough Is Enough

I've had it. The Philadelphia 76ers lose to a Spanish club team in basketball. This has gone far enough. The best we can do in the Olympics is bronze, and now this. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore. What to do? Chop down those God-forsaken adjustable backboards.

Several years ago we bought an adjustable backboard. What do my boys and my nephew do? Lower it, of course, and dunk. Dunk, dunk, dunk. Dunk left, dunk right, and dunk backwards. Awesome. But can they hit a shot from three feet? No sir. Can they make a layup? No sir. We have lost an entire generation. When I grew up all we did was practice shooting. Hours and hours of shots from everywhere on the court. Now they dunk. It is so bad at my house that last Father's Day in contests of HORSE, Around The World, and every other imaginable game of basketball shooting, I beat my very athletic twenty-something sons. I not only beat them, I have never lost to them! If you ask my boys what a pick and roll is, they don't know. If you ask an NBA player, a pick and roll involves harvesting and preparing marijuana. ENOUGH!!!

We must take action. Gangs of men from my generation must cruise the streets, and when we see an adjustable backboard, we must chop it down. It will take years to re-educate our sons, and surely clueless parents will re-plant these hideous backborard contraptions when they are cut down. But we will press on. We will teach a new generation to play defense. We will show them how to pass the ball. We will introduce the concept of teamwork. And one day, when the game is restored, we will once again see Olympic gold medals around the necks of America's finest.

It is not just a dream. It can happen.

Hoop. There it is.